The Cross Roads of Life

Among trying to sell our house and the kids being home for the summer, I am finding I am at an interesting place in my life. I am at that place of change. The kids are both in school this year. C full day, G half day. I think I would like to start back to school myself, finish out my French degree. I tried last year but they keep having trouble with my record. They have me down for a class I didn't take and a grade that I didn't get. They have fixed it 3times and 3times it has some how not been fixed. So I have to travel down there in the next month and try, once again, to rectify the situation. Uhhhhhh! Not looking forward to it. And to be honest I'm not as excited about going back to school as I use to be. Not sure why. I love learning. So I am trying to get that sorted out as well.

Then there is the matter of do we have another kid? Most of our friends are just now procreating. It is kinda cute to see their new little ones, but then my mind quickly goes to sleepless nights, endless poopy diapers, and crying. Then there is also that matter of freedom. Our current children are old enough to be with a sitter and we can go out to a movie or just a cup of coffee with some frequency. It's nice. Then there is that other half of me that is at peace with having 1 or 2 more. I think that is because I am at the age where I always thought I would start a family. So maybe it is more a state of mind in that respect. To be truthful, I was never really a kid person. Not that I dislike them. I just wasn't lining up to offer to babysit. So I am pondering that....

The kids and I are also "Church shopping". I don't dislike the church I go to, but I don't really have any friends that go to the same services I do. That might not seem like a big deal to some. I am not uber social. But having people there that you know kinda holds you accountable to go. The Other Half says going to church should be because I want to go for the pure joy of learning about God and should be motivated by that alone. That would be nice if that were true. Let’s be real, the kids get out the door so they can see friends and go to a cool class. The fact that they learn about God, while seeing friends and enjoying a cool class, are just icing on the cake for them. It also has to be said what motivates the Other Half to get out the door on Sundays is the fact that he plays in his church's worship team 2 or 3 Sundays out of the month. Other than that he doesn't go to his church. I am for whatever helps me get the kids out the door.

I have some friends that go to a church that seems cool enough. They have many arts programs for the kids and adults. The only thing that deters me from going is the fact that they don't have praise and worship and what if I don't like it there? Is that taken as an insult to my friends? There is another church near us that some other friends go to. It is where many people I use to know go to. It's fairly artsy. I have current friends there that would, unbeknownst to them, act as accountability for me. Plus my children LOVE their children. Do I go? I don't know. I should be praying about it. But I will admit it. I am only half heartedly praying about it, at this point. I would, ideally, like for The Other Half and I to go together. That would be accountability at it's simplest. But he wants a church that he can lead worship at, or at the very least, help with. And the 2 churches I have mentioned either don't have/or want worship, or they are so full of musicians that the church doesn't have a worship team deficit. So who knows.....

I think I am at that point in my life where everything I though would be isn't. Now I have to find out what are my new dreams and hopes? In some ways that’s ok. I have lived in the past too long. To be honest, my old hopes and dreams were very cold and sad. I always dreamed that I would be either an actress or doing something big in the fashion industry. Have a penthouse. Maybe be married or have a long term boyfriend, but probably neither. And start adopting children when I was 30. (I would still love to adopt.) I would travel around the world doing glamorous things and live a very cultured life. Some of that dream is good, quite a bit is very cold and lonely. I guess it is time for me to evolve further. It is time to grab new dreams and stretch myself more as a person. I just don't know what that means quit yet.